I've tried to keep my blog mainly just book related stuff, but I think maybe I'll start posting things not so book related that I want to talk about. I need to post here more often anyway because it's like a friggin' ghost town around here.
Here's what's on my mind today...
I bet you wouldn't know it, but I deal with depression, anxiety, and general bitchiness pretty frequently. I pick at my flaws and amplify them while minimizing the good things about myself. I recently found out that I have an underactive thyroid, which probably accounts for a lot of that, and I'm hoping this diagnosis and new medication I'm taking will help to even me out. The depression comes and goes, but it always seems to be there in the background just waiting to drag me down again. I've dealt with it since I was about 15 years old. The first time it happened, I was a freshman in high school, and I honestly didn't know what the hell was wrong with me. I didn't eat, I slept all the time, I blew off assignments in school, and at times felt like if I never woke up, that'd be just fine with me. I wasn't suicidal, I just didn't care. Thankfully, I was able to pull myself out of that eventually, but like I said, it still lurks just beneath the surface, ready to rear its ugly head at any time.
I lost my Dad almost 9 years ago. That phrase, "lost my dad", always makes me feel like my dad is wandering around somewhere, and I only have to just find him. Maybe that's why I've had dreams where he isn't really dead. He just moved to Arizona... Anyway, Father's Day is a tough one, and it's bittersweet. I'm so thankful that my kids have an awesome dad and that I had my dad and he was there for me for 24 years. That's the sweet part. The bitter part is that my kids will never know their grandpa and it's another day that my dad's death smacks me in the face, just in case I'd forgotten the other days of the year that he's really gone. I'll get through it. I always do, but it's a day where I usually end up bawling my eyes out by the end of the day. You wouldn't know it though because I put on a happy face (emoji, maybe?) and go about life on social media like I'm just perfect. :) <------ see how easy it is?
I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you deal with these kind of issues, and you feel utterly alone in the world, you're not. There are so many more of us than anyone realizes. We might put on a smile, but it's still there.
So to all the sons and daughters out there missing their dads on Father's Day and to those who deal with depression and anxiety, I'm with you all the way.
This post feels a little disjointed because my thoughts are all over the place, but I guess that's pretty fitting...